


All I Want

by IvanW



Series: Song Inspired Fics [19]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: FOREVER LOVE, Grief/Mourning, M/M, OMS, Post-Generations, Romance, Sad, Song fic, Sorrow, Space Husbands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 07:29:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28899687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: This is my interpretation of the Kodaline song, "All I Want."I think it works mostly for TOS but could work for AOS so I tagged it that way.Please heed the warnings.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Series: Song Inspired Fics [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1487456
Comments: 20
Kudos: 47





	All I Want

Spock rose early like he always did, though perhaps not as early as he had in his younger days. For a while he continued to lie in bed staring at the empty space beside him in once was _their_ bed. 

Not anymore.

And it hadn’t been for too long, actually.

He turned over onto his back to stare up at the ceiling instead. It was far less painful to do so.

The blinds of the window were open exposing morning light into the bedroom. It appeared to be dull, gloomy light, which meant it was overcast. It seemed appropriate.

Today was moving day. He was finally going to leave this place that he’d stayed at by himself for far too long.

He had ambassadorial duties to see to, though he had no particular interest in them at present. Spock expected that to change over time. He hoped it would.

After a few more minutes, he rose from the bed for the last time. He would not take it with him. Could not bear to really. It still smelled of him. Illogically so. Spock eyed the pillow that once had been his.

That smelled of Jim most of all. He’d kept it for too long and he considered not taking it with him too.

_“I love you, Spock.”_

Those words haunted him as no others did. They played like a constant refrain in his head.

_If you loved me, why’d you leave me?_

He picked up the pillow and sniffed it. It was fainter now. Almost too faint, but still there, and so Spock turned to the box of his bedroom things and placed the pillow there.

Then he hesitated. He was relying on others to move his belongings. What if the box became lost?

He took it out again and carried it down the stairs to the kitchen and placed it on the dining room table. He would be taking none of these. The furniture stayed with the house and the new owners. What they did with it, Spock did not care.

After he made himself tea, there was a knock on the front door. At first, he did not go there. Instead he thought of one of the last times Jim had been here. Before the end.

_Surprised by a knock on the door, Spock rose from his seat on the sofa where he had been reading a report sent to him. He was not expecting anyone._

_He yanked down his robe, which had ridden up, and slipped his bare feet into the slippers he’d left nearby._

_When he opened the door…_

_“Surprise!”_

_Jim grinned at him, his arms full of bags, grocery bags, and roses, an odd thing, and at his feet was his personal suitcase._

_“I forgot my key,” Jim said, sheepishly. “And my hands were full anyway and I couldn’t get the stupid scanner thing to recognize my face.”_

_Spock blinked at him. “You-you were not expected back until—”_

_“That’s why it’s a surprise, honey. Happy Valentine’s Day.”_

_He stood back to let Jim inside and then automatically went to pick up all the bags Jim had left on the doorstep. He recognized several ingredients needed to make Spock’s favorite dinner._

_Jim thrust the roses at him. There were both red ones and lavender ones._

_“Oh, so the red are for romance and love, of course,” Jim told him, leaning into kiss him. “And the lavender means eternal love or enchantment. Something like that. Oh and love at first sight.” Jim laughed. “Or so I’m told. I just thought they were beautiful.”_

_“Jim…”_

_“I know, I know. It’s illogical.”_

_“And it is also January.”_

_Jim laughed again. “I know. But I won’t be able to be here for Valentine’s Day, so we are having it early. If that’s all right with you, sweetheart.”_

_He kissed Spock again, pulling him close._

_“I love you, Spock.”_

As the knock at the door now continued, Spock made himself move toward it, unable to stop thinking, ‘all I want is nothing more to hear you knocking on my door’.

So many times on the Enterprise…Jim seeking entrance to Spock’s quarters.

But not anymore.

He opened the door to the movers.

“Hello, Ambassador. Ready to get started?”

“Yes,” Spock replied.

****

The shuttle leaving Iowa was nearly empty and Spock was grateful for it. He was afraid he barely had his emotions in check. He had no wish to be on display under these circumstances. There were just two other passengers, sitting far from him. A young Andorian woman and a young Russian man who reminded him of Chekov as he was once long ago.

His thoughts strayed to Jim’s last goodbye.

_“I’ll be back before you even have a chance to miss me. These things are silly, I know, but I agreed to it.”_

And Jim had kissed him, long and sweet, and Spock had put his fingers on Jim’s cheek, his psi points, melding them one last time.

Later, when Spock learned, he died a little bit inside, and spend that night in their bed, alone, staring at the spot where Jim had last slept beside him.

When the shuttle landed in San Francisco, Spock took his carryon bag with him, the one containing Jim’s pillow. There was to be a memorial service. Spock was expected to attend.

He did not. Instead, he boarded the shuttle to Vulcan.

_“I love you, Spock.”_

“And I you, Jim.”


End file.
